WTF is Joe doing?

The Bad News Jazz

2010-02-11T12:05:00.000-08:00

Well this last week, I went on a date with a sweet girl. Part of the night we decided to go watch her little brother play in his Jr. Jazz basketball game. Right after I arrived, I was greeted by one of the fathers....well....her father to be exact who started asking me if I knew anything about basketball....Well, here are the facts about what I know.

1) Basketballs are round....for the most part.
2)Teams play 5 vs 5.
3) Coaches throw chairs and cameramen often get their collective groin stomped on.
4) People speak highly of "the paint".
5)Karl Malone used to do television commercials for Hardee's
6) Hardee's still has better french toast sticks than Burger King.
7) White men can't jump.
8) Double Dribble, Air Balls, Personal Fouls and Lay Up's sound like something reserved for a porno channel.

That being said, they asked me to coach for this team because the real coach was out and had missed something like 2 weeks in a row. Here are the reasons I was qualified to coach:

1) I have never coached a sports team in my life.
2) I suck at basketball and never played on any professional team in school or anywhere else.
3) Some days I can't even spell "Horse".
4) I don't have any kids....
5) I didn't even give of the appearance that I knew how to coach. I'm an overweight white guy wearing skate shoes and a beanie.

This would have been a better choice:

(Coach purse sitting on the bench next to me.)

Well the game started up, and wouldn't you know that the one week I coach, my team is playing the best team in the league? Not only had these other kids been fed growth hormones, they were making all of their shots. Each kid on the team was about 5 feet tall and had no less than 37 points on the score sheet. It was a triple double free for all.

OK, I exaggerate, but only slightly....they weren't really a team...they were more of a collective mass of swarming pre-pubescent mutants with cyborg canons for arms.

I think we lost 24-10 and that was only because my little players started to tell me what to do.

Watching this kids pass behind the back and run circles around my little squadron seemed to invoke memories of something I had seen before...

Anyways, it was overall a good experience and fun to try and rally my little troops but I don't think I was ever cut out for the coaching business. It was one big Jr. Jazz fail.

All I Need To Know, I've Learned From A Cat!

2010-02-02T23:07:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I posted anything, and I was trying to think of something really philosophical to post. Maybe things I learned last year, or what I hope to accomplish this year...but when it all came down to it, I realized that everything I have ever needed to know, I have learned from a cat!

1: Be sure and stretch before any type of exercise.

2: It's all about perspective... Not everyone will feel the same as you, or see things the same way as you.
3. Always dream of being something greater than you are, and never stop trying to grow into those dreams.

4: Moderation in all things...*Good advice from a fat man*

5: Breakfast in bed at least once a year....you have to make time to relax.

6. There are many many many things that take priorities above video games.

7: Always appreciate what you have...someone else has less.

8: Try to make time for only one kind of Drama in your life.

9: Savor every victory...no matter how small or salty.

10: Finally...be happy....No matter how rough things get or how dismal they become, always remember not to sweat the small stuff. Buckle down, and before you know it, you'll be laughing again so hard you can't breathe.

A Tribute To Noreen Stone

2010-01-17T02:25:00.000-08:00

This week in dispatch has been full of many changes. New policies and seating assignments have confused everyone and left us all a little frazzled and burned out.It's been a week of readjusting to different surroundings and new faces. The most intense change of all came in the form of a small party to honor the retirement of Noreen Stone....

Noreen is much more than just an employee around here....she is one who really gives her entire heart and mental capacity to this job. She genuinely cares about her friends and co-workers and the people she serves every day. She is the sweetest person you will ever meet and usually spends her free time finding ways to make life easier for everyone else.

Working in a 911 dispatch center can be very stressful at times and we all have days that shake us to a wit's end. Having Noreen around was kind of like a rudder and sail that kept our boat afloat. She knew the answer to any question or handle any situation that could arise irregardless of how messy things became when they would hit the fan. She is always patient and could handle any situation with a cool head.

She is the last person to lose her temper, and even when she did, you couldn't help but laugh along with her because she naturally isn't a negative person. It would be like watching a Nun cuss out a football game while flipping you off for bringing crappy dip....it's just so....out of place.

Noreen was so much more than a great employee for us...She was an example, a mentor, a selfless dispatcher and most of all a friend.

She will be sorely missed and we here in Weber Dispatch are extremely jealous of those southwestern bastards that offered her a sweeter deal...Noreen, we are happy for you and wish you the best in your new endeavor...but sincerely pray the masterminds behind your abduction will be stricken with sonic diarrhea forever.

El Skeleto and the BK Lounge.

2009-11-29T19:06:00.000-08:00

Today I was on my way home from the movies and decided to stop off for a couple of those cheeseburgers on the dollar menu over at the BK Lounge (ha ha Dane Cook).

I rolled around to the window with my two dollars and change ready to go. The guy slides open the window and leans out with a hearty "how are you today!?"....

He had long dark hair coming out from under his BK hat. He was slender build with a dark skin tone and kind of gangly looking...He looked familiar...too familiar...

I sat there looking at him for a minute...it was like Deja Vu or something, and then I found the words...

"I cahannot Beeleev ju hav not been bap-taized!"....

I whispered the words to myself. He looked up and I played it off...No sir, I wasn't talking to anyone....

He handed me my food and I drove away...

And that's how I met EL Skeleto at the BK Lounge.

Fortune Cookie Failure!

2009-11-05T18:26:00.000-08:00

So today I opened a fortune cookie and was presented with this gem of wisdom... Confucius says: "This fortune cookie sucks..."

WTF does this even mean...is it like Ryan Shupe and the Rubber Band members going somewhere important....did I contemplate a large investment into the Rubber Band market and this is my big confirmation? Or is it simply reminding me that any and all rubber bands should be stored to the right of where I sit.

I feel like it takes a Einstein/Shatner meshed brain wave to contemplate this one...

I guess we will never know.

At least the cookie was good....

The Tale of the Heart Boxers....and a GUN!

2009-10-16T22:17:00.000-07:00

So I was talking to an old friend of mine the other day and he reminded me of a pretty good story. It's not really a dating horror story because the girl had nothing to do with it, but it goes along those same foibles and dating adventures of youth.

My friends and I use to sing a long of songs A Capella in our little group. There were 4-5 of us and we had a little rotisserie of songs we toyed with for different occasions. We could change the words and use them to ask girls to the dance or things like that...

We found out that it was always kind of awkward for the girl if we showed up and had her come to the door, sang her an awesome song and then just stood around...she would be embarassed...so instead, we would park around the corner, and when the song was done, we would just wink or something cheesy and run away.

We were dorks.

Point is...this was one such night...

There were were singing to this girl out in the middle of a new subdivision. We had parked up around the corner in a little culdesac road that wasn't finished yet.

The song went well and when we were done, we ran like usual.

There we were, rushing around the corner and piling into my old hoopdee car when we hear this voice yell "Freeze!!"

I glance over and here is a middle aged white dude....standing in front of the house we had parked at....wearing nothing but a pair of boxer shorts with hearts all over them...

At first I'm thinking.... "whoa boxer man go back inside"....but then...

"I SAID FREEZE!!!" he yelled again...

Then I noticed that crazy pasty white guy in heart boxer shorts is holding a nice big revolver and has it pointed at us...at this point we were already in the car....immediately hands shot up in the air from all windows of the car...

"I saw you guys running, what are you doing, did you just break into someones house?"

"NO MAAAANN!!!! we just asked a girl to a dance by singing to her and were running back to our car!!!"

"I don't believe that one bit! Stay right there, I'm calling the police!"

At that point, middle aged pasty white heart boxer short man jingle jangles his way up the steps and in to his house.

I didn't know my ghetto boat of a car had this kind of power, but in a flash, I was spinning the wheel and punching the gas and we were screeching our way out of that culdesac and out of that neighborhood.

The moral of the story is this...if you're going to go outside and point a gun and the wholesome choir boys that just asked your ugly teenage neighbor out to a dance...you better put some damn pants on man....seriously.

Dating Horrors: Chapter 3

2009-09-28T00:38:00.000-07:00

So this took place on a New Years Eve some years ago....I had been dating a girl for several months...I like her...she liked me...we hung out a lot and had a great time...we had kissed...life was good right? Well she wanted me to go to a New Years Eve party at some house with her friends...but I was kind of sick...

I had strep throat and I remember telling her it probably wasn't smart to go out and be around everyone..."no big deal" she said..."I'll come visit after they drop the ball"....right on...what a girl...so she and her girlfriend go to this party...

Some time later she shows up at my house insisting that I return with her to the party..."it's the best party ever, and you have to go" she says..."we're kidnapping you." So I get ready and go with her and her friend to this party...

We get there and there was quite a few people there, scattered all over the house...some were drinking, some were not, there were games in one room, people playing cards in the kitchen, movie downstairs....pretty normal stuff....

Well we decide to go watch the movie....we end up snuggling together on the couch watching this movie....pretty soon some guy who is totally plastered comes walking down the stairs...he is talking REALLY LOUD because he is REALLY DRUNK...he glances at us on the couch and says VERY LOUDLY "Oh Hi (insert girls name)! How are you? Looking good! and Whats up (Insert name of boy that was not me..) Oh....wait....you aren't (insert same name of boy that was not me...) Whoops!! Then he stumbled back up the stairs...

I look at her, and she says "don't worry about it, he's plastered..."

This guy ends up taking a seat in the next room at the top of the stairs, in the kitchen area, and he is still talking REALLY LOUD!!! I can hear every word he says as he proclaims to everyone else there that "THAT KID IS DEAD MAN!!! (insert name of boy who is not Joe) is going to MURDER THAT KID!!! HE"S GOING TO CASTRATE HIM WHEN HE FINDS OUT!!!"

Well I look at her, and she is white as a ghost...so I tell her it's time to take me home...we're driving home and I tell her.."OK...spill it...who is (insert name of boy who was not me)."

Suddenly...

She jerks the wheel...we screech to a stop at the side of the road...she begins to cry...leans over and pops open her glove box....and there...

was...

A SHRINE!!!!

She had a big picture of this kid, jewelry, letters, flowers....all arranged and occupying the full space where her registration should be! I've never seen anything like it, and the few times I had been in her car, I had never had cause to open the glove box.

Through her tears she says "That is (boy who was not me...) and he and I are in love...but he is away for a while serving a mission for the church, but I just KNOW that when he gets back we are destined to be together and we WILL get married!!!!"

after a stunned silence...I said..."well wait a second...what about me...."

She replies...

"Well....I guess you're like......a.....FILLER until he gets back...."

So I say...."WHOA WHAT? What about us? We had something great! We kissed and everything! I thought it was going great!?"

And she says....

"About the kissing...it's just...well.....RAGING HORMONES!"

"Take me home..." I growled....

he came back and broke up with her...she never married him....

The End.

Dating Horrors: Chapter 2

2009-09-12T23:07:00.000-07:00

So all throughout high school and thereafter, my friends and I did a lot of group dates. We were always looking for creative ideas and fun things to do in groups...some ideas were awesome and used more than once, and others were epic failures...this date was one of my favorite dates and was always a fun idea, until the night it became an epic failure for me. It's the spider date...

Basically, we would get a group together, and we would watch the movie Arachnophobia in the dark and we would sometimes eat dinner or whatever, but we always had treats during or after the movie...we would make these ice cream spiders...pretty fun...this one isn't quite the same, but it's pretty close I think...

So here we were at my friends house...he had just finished his basement and had a big screen TV. The entire basement was done with comfortable furniture and had a wooded forest kind of deco...everything was pine trees and grizzly bears and natural wood tables etc... etc... etc...

SO....there we were, I think there were 8 of us total, 4 couples in the basement watching the movie on the big screen in the dark. On this particular night, the girls decided it would be funner to cuddle each other and scare each other, so they were all dog piled in front of the TV on this giant bean bag thing...

Meanwhile, the fellas all sat back on this giant leather couches. Well we're watching the movie and I look over on the coffee table, and as part of the decorations, I see this giant all natural wooden checker board....lightly stained in a wonderful cherry oak finish...and there on the board, are all natural checker pieces...totally wood...totally stained....and the black pieces were either really dark stain, or maybe even painted black...kind of like these....

you get the idea...

Right about this time, it was nearing the end of the movie....I've seen this movie about a hundred times and I know it well...towards the end there is a scene that makes everyone jump...you all know what I'm talking about if you've seen the movie...Jeff Daniels is looking all over the shelves trying to find that huge-ass spider and he looks up on top just in time to see the spider rear up on it's back legs like some kind of haunted house make-you-scream attraction... I think it even hisses or something...

Anyways, I waited for just the right moment, and as soon as the spider reared up, I shot a Michael Jordan rainbow shot with one of the black checkers...Nothing but net baby....it fell from the ceiling right above them and landed in their laps...every girl screamed bloody murder and they all ran out of the room...

Well the guys laughed...and one by one...the girls started coming back in, cracking half smiles and telling us what jerks we were...all except for my date that is....I waited and waited and waited...and pretty soon she was the only one that hadn't come back....I went looking for her...couldn't find her...finally, one of the other girls told me...

"Yeah she didn't think it was funny, so she left and went home...."

I don't know, maybe I was a big jerk, or maybe she was a poor sport, or maybe a little bit of both, but either way....

Here's a diagram of an Ice Cream Spider, Joe-style, so you can make your own!!!

List-en To My Tales...

2009-09-03T01:42:00.000-07:00

So for the first time in probably the last 5 months, I finally had all three of my days off and no overtime. I love my job but at the same time, I was getting pretty burned out. I think it was fair to say that I was ready to tell my job to "bite my shiny metal ass" for three days. At first I wasn't sure what I was going to do with all of that free time and usually I would go stir crazy, but with another busy month coming up I decided that I was going to make the most of the three days...It may sound nerdy but I decided the best way to make sure I used all my time was to make a list. The list started out pretty small, but I added things here and there...what I would like to share with you now is not the list of what I intended to do...but rather a list of what I actually did.

1. Slept a full 8 hours at least once.
2. Did laundry.
3. Cleaned House.
4. Mowed the lawn, weeded and edged.
5. Washed and cleaned car.
6. Did all homework.
7. Saw a 3D movie at the theater.
8. Rented movies..
9. Watched a really good movie...
10. Watched a movie that sucked schweaty balls.
11. Helped someone that really needed it.
12. Hurt someone that didn't deserve it.
13. Said something really cool and impressed a girl.
14. Said something really stupid in front of a girl and almost got my ass kicked.
15. Was glad I didn't need crutches this week after number 14.

16. Met a cute girl.
17. Went on a fun date.
18. Had a bunch of men over for a grunting, grilling, gaming, God-cursing about women good time.
19. Denied ever having such a party and told someone how blessed we are to have women.
20. Lifted some weights.
21. Listened to a new band I've never heard before.
22. Watched a movie I've never seen before.
23. Ate popcorn on more than one occasion.

24. Cooked up some "Macgyver Smores".
25. Played guitar for several hours.
26. Leveled my Warcraft character one full level.
27. Visited Family.
28. Took a nap.
29. Ate a Popsicle.
30. Had someone tell me how horrible a movie was...
31. Laughed while the same person continued to quote the same movie...
32. Sat around and talked and laughed with a friend and a frosty bottled beverage.
33. Got a new phone.
34. Made a new friend.
35. Lost an old one.
36. Took a picture of something with a fish eye lens.
37. Put a snooty clerk in his douche bag place.
38. Did someone's job for them.
39. Stargazed.
40. Burned myself with a fireball.
41. Ran into the same friend twice around town, different times, different places.
42. Bought a Pineapple.
43. Fixed something that was broken.
44. Rigged up something impressively techy.
45. Discovered why the sky is blue.

Overall it was a productive and fun couple of days. The good the bad and the ugly I suppose...I made some dumb choices, hurt some good people but also laughed so hard it made my eyes water and helped someone in dire need. Call it what you will, or rate it how you want...but....it beats friggin' working.

Dating Horrors: Chapter 1

2009-08-14T03:50:00.000-07:00

Well it's been a few weeks since I posted anything on here. What can I say? Life happens....It was last weekend while driving through the desert with my brothers, eating jerky and talking about brotherly things when the topic of dating and ex girlfriends came up. I don't know why but, I've had some doozies in my lifetime. My brother asked me to tell some of his favorite stories and I realized that maybe it was finally time to share a few with you. I'll obviously keep the names out, but, sit back and enjoy....

It all started back in high school. Long story short, this girl wanted a date to the dance. I had just come off a breakup and wasn't in any mood to go, but after some talking she convinced me. I did the elaborate asking process and threw something creative for her. I had my friend hand deliver it to her one night, and then I waited for an answer.

Weeks went by, and still I heard nothing. I finally called her to see if she wanted to go and she claimed she didn't know what I was talking about. That should have been my first hint that this date was going to be an epic fail...but oh no, the beatings must continue...I had to forge on. She said she was sorry there must have been some failure to communicate and she would love to go. So we made plans for that night.

The night of the dance, there was 6 of us going. The three guys were going off in their own cars to pick up dates, then meeting back together to drive one SUV. This was back before everyone carried cellphones. We split up and planned on being back together in about 15-30 minutes after picking up dates.

I show up at the house, and go inside...a friend of hers proclaims that they are just putting finishing touches on her hair and to have a seat. So I park it. Dumb and Dumber starts playing on TV...I'm watching the intro when this large burly man comes in and sits down...he leans forward in his chair cracks his knuckles and says "soooo......"

I knew right then he was there to give me "the talk".

We talk a while then go back to the movie. Every few minutes I would hear giggling and a girl would shout "just one more minute!". Pretty soon I realize that the ending credits are rolling and that I had waited 90 minutes on this girl. She finally comes out ready to go and we rush over to the rendezvous point. I thought for sure we would be eating alone that night, but my friends were there waiting. We start driving to the restaurant and my friend mentions the reservations and hopes they will still honor them. This girl begins to question why there might be a possible problem with the reservations and demanded to know who's fault it was that we were running late...the car just sat silent...

We get to dinner and she tells me to be a gentleman and order for her. Now, I'm a good sport and I like a good challenge. I figure, I can pick something pretty good. Something not too light, not too heavy and not too messy....Grilled Chicken Caesar Salad... BAM! It's a salad, it's grilled chicken, it's light, it's heavy it's not too messy...

"no pick something else" she says..

Ok...round two....spaghetti and meatballs?

"nope, guess again cowboy..."

Hmmm....chicken fried steak???

"Man, you really suck at this game" she retorts...

Fine, you pick something then.....so she grabs the menu, eyes it for a while and finally makes her decision....

"I'll have the grilled chicken Caesar salad"

After leaving the restaurant we drive towards the location of the dance. it was already about an hour after starting time and she begins to voice her complaint about our late arrival. Once again, silence in the car.....

We get to the door...she belonged to a club that provided free tickets, and she was supposed to bring the tickets...

"Do you have those tickets?" I ask...

"What tickets!?" she says....

Not only did she NOT bring the tickets, but she claimed to have never made plans with me to bring them...so guess why got to pay double price at the door? That's right...Twice the price, half the dance.

Once inside I asked her several times to dance. She kept telling me she didn't want to dance, or do pictures, or drink punch or do anything. I'm surprised she was breathing because she acted like she hated everything, including oxygen.

Finally a swing song comes on and she asks if I want to swing dance with her...

"umm...I never really learned how, I don't know how, but I can try..." I say...

"well that's stupid...." she barks" I'll be over here with my girlfriends" and then proceeded to go and swing dance with her girlfriends.

No big deal until the next song...the ladies choice song...that's right, here I am, right by the punchbowl...not hard to miss....people start pairing up....Pretty soon I'm standing by myself, and then I see her dancing with some other guy... After that, the dance was over. We didn't dance. We didn't have snacks, we didn't have fun. And I had paid twice the dice for her to dance with some other guy. But at least it was over right??? WRONG....

She comes over acting like things are cool and we are all trying to leave. My friend (who was hitting it off with his date) suggests taking a walk around the block with our dates. So I start strolling along, hands in pocket...searching the ground for sharp rocks to kill myself with, and she grabs my harm. She holds my arm all escort style. Fair enough, at this point, I'm just along for the ride. But then as we walk, she couldn't pick a speed...always alternating between fast and slow...and it didn't matter what speed i went, it wasn't her speed...and so she jerked my arm, back then forwards and basically choke chained me to death.

We make it back to the car where she immediately falls asleep...not only does she fall asleep but during the first turn she topples over and sets her head on the middle cushion next to me. I glance down at her, and shes drooling all over my friends car.

We get back to her house and I wake her up. We walk to the door and I'm feeding her the line....you know the line...."HeyGeeThanksItWasFunWeShouldGoAgainSometimesKayThanksByeeeeeeeeee" THEN ZOOM turn and bail...

As I'm turning she reaches out and says thank you and opens up for a goodnight hug...reluctantly, I turn back and go for the goodnight hug...before I could get there...she took a half jump backwards like it was a new dance move. She stared at me the same way you would expect someone to stare if they walked into a room and caught you carrying on a conversation with your sock drawer...she peered....then she ran inside...I hear not one....not two, but THREE distinct lock latchings and finally the solid dead bolt sliding into place...

I stood there about 30 seconds trying to make sense of it all. Then I walked back to the car. We drop off my friends dates and I crawl into the front seat. My friend comes back and gets in the car and starts it up...

"rough date eh?" he says...

"the roughest..." I reply

"better luck next time" he assures me...then puts the car into drive...as he does, the automatic seat belt rides up along my shoulder....grabs the flower on my jacket and with herculean strength impales me in the chest with the pin. Not a small prick mind you, but a good half inch, maybe 3/4 inch section if pin embedded deep into my rock hard pectoral muscle...The blood didn't trickle, it didn't ooze or gush. Instead it flowed forth from my chest like it was on tap at a vampire kegger.

I ripped the flower from my bosom and cast it forth into the night via the automatic window. The final straw was returning home and hearing my mom scream. She thought I had been in a knife fight West Side Story style... this wasn't the actual shirt...mine was bloodier.

The Room....The Room....The Room is on Fire!

2009-07-29T08:49:00.000-07:00

So I actually had some days off this week. I'm starting to get the idea that maybe I work too much. The first night I was off, I got a text from a friend at work asking where I was..."WTH you're not here??" she said...."nope I'm off tonight" was my reply..."you never let nights off stop you from coming in" she said.....well...I figured it was a fluke...Shes just being sarcastic....the next day my roomate asked me if I had to work that night. "nope, I'm off again...." "Whaaa??? two nights in a row??" I'm supposed to get three nights off a week, so I'm starting to think it's really sad that people think it's weird if I take two of them...Anyways, with two whole nights off and no date...it was time to work around the house.

Here's Butters doing what I should have been doing with my time off....sleeping.

So I made my way down to Lowes for a can of paint. In room number three, I had already done the white trim...doors...window...ceiling etc etc etc....All that was left was a color for the wall...I had already done two shades of blue and green in the bathroom, the other bathroom will be a grey color probably and I have plans to do more green in the kitchen....so what color to do the other bedroom? I don't want to do one I had already done...and I was a little worn out with greens and blues. so I decided to be daring and select one from the red/orange spectrum.
One advantage of painting with red paint is that when you spill on yourself, it looks like blood. I had a big spot on my elbow like roadrash and this lovely streak down the front of my shirt. It was right central below my face, like it could have come from my nose or lip. And the only thing better than getting in a fight and winning, is making people think you did. The best part is, I can wear it proudly and tell people with 100% honesty...."That's not my blood."

Anyways here's the final product...the color is called "Autumn Blaze" it's supposed to be the same color as Autumn Blaze Maple Tree's in the fall. It's hard to tell with the artificial light, but picture a nicely blended red/orange with a dash of flourescence...It dried a lot brighter than it was supposed to. It should have been a little bit darker, but it will do. The rest of the colors all absorb the light, but this one reflects it. Not exactly what I had in mind but it's growing on me.

Throw in a few movies at home, a steak dinner, and "chatting online with babes" and you've got my entire weekend. Back to work tonight...lot's of things brewing right now, hopefully I'll have some more exciting adventures this week.

Dragons, Dating, and Dating Dragons.

2009-07-23T21:17:00.000-07:00

So recently I've realized that my social life is lacking somewhat. I've got my core group of friends I always fall back on, but I don't really feel like I've been meeting any new people. That being said, I've tried to branch out a little bit. I've started going to the singles meetings at church and the activities during the week. Now, call me nerdy if you want, but statistics don't lie and the fact is, in the modern computer savvy world we live in, lots and lots of people meet online. You can date, make friends or even just explore new ideas and opinions. So I bit the bullet and I signed up for an online dating account.

Now, the fact that I don't have a very big social network can create problems of it's own. As much as I do enjoy a night of movies or all of the various home repair projects I've been working on in my free time, there are still nights when I get flat out bored...so I bit bullet number two and I started up my World of Warcraft account again to give me something to do.

I was sitting around thinking about it today and I realized that maybe I've been going about this all wrong... In my mind I thought the dating website would satisfy my social needs and World of Warcraft would satisfy my boredom....but I'm starting to think that I have this all backwards....Lets explore some of the facts about Online Dating vs World of Warcraft.

ONLINE DATING VS. WORLD OF WARCRAFT

Account Subscription: World of Warcraft will let you have a free trial month if you go to their website. You can create a character and start playing the game. There are only a few aspects of the game that are throttled. You can't chat in all the different channels, you can't trade items or use the stores. Online dating is almost the same. You can create a profile, upload information and get a feel for the website. Like WoW, the chat is throttled, and you will have to pay if you want to chat with anyone you meet or use all of the sites features. Both subscriptions will cost you 14.99 a month.

Customization: World of Warcraft will allow you to create as many characters as you want. You can control their facial features, skin color, hair color, piercings blah blah blah....You make a user name and then design how you want other to see you. Online dating, while not offering the ability to customize your looks, still has plenty of users that do. Photoshop, old out of date pictures, and pictures of friends are just some of the many ways that users avatar themselves and truly create an online persona.

"It's a trap!": In the words of the great Admiral Ackbar from Star Wars....sometimes "it's a trap". On world of warcraft.....the biggest, strongest and most intimidating of warriors might really be a 9 year old grade schooler. Girls create male characters and some guys create females...truth is...you never really know. This is just like online dating...Some profiles have a really attractive profile picture, maybe Photoshop or glamour shots...you open the profile to learn more about the person and see some everyday type photos only to learn that it's a different person....at least it looks like it is, or like maybe this person ate the first person you were looking at. And on occasion, you see someone and you realize that you're not confident about your gender identification skills.

First Date: I think it's generally accepted online dating practice to have a first date in a group or at the least, in a public place. Maybe meet at a nice restaurant or go for walk downtown or something. Making contact for the first time can be difficult...Throwing a few "flirts" back and forth to break the ice can help. After that you might write each other for a while on email and evolve to phone calls. Finally you feel confident enough to get together with this person. You team up and you tackle dinner and a movie together. World of Warcraft is no different...the first time you meet someone you might help them kill a monster or type a command so that your character waives to them. You might team up for a while and chat it out while you do battle with the undead or save a village from invading fish-men. You evolve to the point that you meet up on Team Speak and with microphone you coordinate your battles. Finally you feel confident with this person so you team up and tackle a zombie dragon together so you can return the head to the king for honor and glory.

Ultimately I would like to see these two realms merge. Maybe we could get some dragons downtown to slay. Or maybe we could start wearing swords in public. Maybe Warcraft could add user profiles with information and pictures. And maybe, just maybe....I need to get outside and kick a soccer ball around more often.

Boondoggle Saints and Demon Cheez-its

2009-07-14T20:25:00.000-07:00

It's been a few days since I last wrote anything. I'm trying to get better about keeping a journal and things, but that doesn't mean I'm going to sit and write about nonsense for the sake of writing...that wouldn't be fun to anyone that reads this...So over the past few days I've let some stories accumulate and I'll throw them all on here for you.

The other day as I was scavenging for food in the pantry, I came across an old box of Cheez-its. Never opened, this was the best surprise of the week. It was like I had struck orange gold. I decided to throw in a movie and eat some....

Well, I got tired and decided it was bedtime...I left the box on the floor next to my chair and went upstairs to bed. I woke up, got ready and got to work. After a full shift I returned home and I knew that something was up the minute I walked in the door. Call it intuition or whatever, but I could smell foul play....

I walked into the living room and noticed the box of Cheez-its laying on it's side and there was a trail of orange crumbs on the carpet. It was time to play Blues Clues...."Blue -Ska-Doo! Which cat has a death wish!"

I went upstairs expecting to find more crumbs or maybe a submissive cat huddled in the corner. What I found instead was much worse. My entire bed was covered in juicy orange cat barf....Extra Chunky style. Gross.....So I pull off the comforter and march it down to the washer. Soaked into the sheets....gross......pull those off too. I wash my comforter no problem and throw it in the dryer. I throw my sheets in and go upstairs to do some homework. I'm sitting there typing a paper on my laptop when I hear it.....

You know the sound....

It sounds like a tool chest rolling down the stairs. It sounds like the Devil's Ice Maker. It sounded like a washing machine was doing the moonwalk around my basement.....the load was imbalanced.

So I get up and start walking downstairs....about halfway down the stairs I was met with silence....

The end of the cycle perhaps? I opened the basement door and this is what I found.....

Ok well not exactly....but you get the idea. My washing machine was dead. It tackled the sheets on a regular basis but never had problems. It either had an allergic reaction to imitation cheddar cheese, or it had danced itself to death....And now it sits in my basement, like some kind of lifeless corpse...quoth the raven...."Ken(never)more!"

In an effort to get out and meet more people I've been trying to attend some of the family home evening events over at the singles ward. For the most part they have been pretty fun....BBQ's and Softball and stuff...I got ready and headed over to the church for a fun filled night of......boondoggle? WTF?? Really?

Yes.....boondoggle.....the theme was crafts......boondoggle was the closest thing they could find for boys and scouts, while the girls were going to knit. Really? Boondoggle? We couldn't make spears out of Popsicle sticks, or make fires, or hunt stuff? Ok whatever....I'm game....

I spent the next while with the Boondoggle Saints trying to master the different knots. I decided to be daring and go for one of the more complex knots.....hmmm...."Cobra Knot!" Now we're talking....I want a key chain that bites people when they try and pick up my keys. Something that will crawl along the table and spit venom into someones eyes because they think about stealing my Petco Rewards card!!!

I got some bright fluorescent colors that will warn people and make them think twice before messing with my keys....Then I started doggling my boon....

It was bright.....it was masterfully done......it was......a squid? Or maybe a shrimp tail?? Here's a picture I took with my phone..

"Touch my keys and face the cobra's bite sucker!" sounds a lot more menacing than "Don't touch my keys or the giant squid will get you!!!" or "oooo beware the Krakken! He'll steal your booty!"

I know it's hard to imagine, but if you fan out those tails a little bit, and hang it on the rim of a glass, it looks like a cooked shrimp tail. Either way....I faced down the boondoggle and the boondoggle won I think.

Friends please, if you see me underneath the freeway in a few weeks wearing dirty clothes and talking to a key chain, don't judge me...I was once like you....

Another 72 hours...

2009-07-08T01:02:00.000-07:00

So anyone who knows me knows that I always work a ton of overtime. It's pretty rare that I get all three of my days off in a week. Well this week was one of those weeks...As I awoke early Saturday afternoon I was greeted with the realization that I didn't know what on Earth I was going to do to occupy my time....I've been on a huge home improvement kick lately and with a new roommate moving in, the answer was simple....

It was time to renovate another room....this time...I was on a schedule.....72 hours or bust.

I don't really know why I put this picture up for you, probably because these guys were making me laugh. I worked my butt off all weekend, and they...well....sat there...like this..."Supervising" i guess they call it.

Phase one of "Extreme Room Makeover: Joe Edition" get all the stuff out of the room.

De junk, pack up, move out furniture and get that thing looking bare bones. Here's a quick shot of the room the way it was. It had turned into a junk room pretty much. Notice the "apple peel" walls again.....my worthy foe we meet again on the colorful field of battle!

After hauling two desks down to the basement like some kind of pack mule, dusting and vacuuming I was ready to begin...

Phase 2: The next thing I did is go around like in the other room and do all the white. I did both doors, window, ceiling, trim and the recessed daylight window.

Phase 3: Tape that white off and go around the edges of that beeyotch with the new color! This time around ended up with a really dark slate blue color. It looks really nice when dry.

Phase 4: 2 coats and a few touch up spots later, here we have the final product. White ceiling, white windows, white doors and trim and Night Sky blue. I'm going to wait a bit before pulling the rest of the tape off, but you get the idea....

Throw in some softball, some movies, family time and yard work and you've seen my whole weekend! Woo Hoo! Back to work tomorrow....

Ninjas, Pickup Lines, Cooties and Home Improvement

2009-07-05T23:22:00.000-07:00

So this weekend was insane! There was so much that happened. I seriously could devote an entire blog post to each individual incident, but I'll just condense them all and throw them together like a Chili's Sampler Platter.

First things first, Friday morning I spent most of the day trying to work on the bedroom. I pulled the tape, touched up, tinted the windows, installed the blinds and tore down the light fixture and replaced it with a fan/light combo. When I was at the store, they had a large powerful fan on sale, and so I decided to bite the bullet and go for more power. "The Grand Lodge" now adorns the ceiling. On setting one, it looks like a prop engine trying to start. Setting two is for primo cold air, and setting three is for high windspeed. I don't really know why we would ever use setting three, it's way too powerful. Maybe if I was some obsessed fan of a fiction author and wanted to keep them prisoner in my room to write stories for me. I could probably use the fan on setting three to pin them to the bed instead of breaking legs. It's a lot less messy and the authorities would probably laugh and let me go when they found out.

I tried to get as much done as possible to make room for a new roomate. Lets have a look at some photos...Here is a pretty good shot of the walls and closet. The flash makes it look a lot brighter than it is, its a bit darker, but you get the idea. I had to rehang all the doors after I took this.

Here's another shot of one of the walls...white window seal and trim, white plugs.

This picture was way too dark, but its the room after doing window limo tint, blinds and fan.

Butters is seriously getting pissed off because I keep moving everything around and taking away all of his hiding spots. I think he's just mad because I'm forcing him to be social. He's like the loser friend that is too afraid to go ask a girl to dance, so you end up playing 7th grade dating game and somehow finding a way to set them up and get them talking. He's just a poor sport I guess...go cry in your little emo corner emo cat...cry cry.

"Zee Grand Lodge! She is MINE!!!"

Anyways spent most of friday working and moving, then went in to work the grave shift. On saturday, I was supposed to go down to Layton but ended up oversleeping my alarm. I attribute it to the cool dark room I now sleep in.

I had to go out and get some groceries and other things on Saturday morning, there was some funny stuff that happened along the way, but the best part of the whole trip had to be my stop at Hastings...

I went in and found the things I wanted and was making my way to the only open register, it was pretty slow being Saturday afternoon of the 4th and all. So I step up to the register and there is this kid working there. Hes probably 20ish, white dude with spikey blond hair and glasses. He looked like the kid from Meet the Robinsons, but like maybe he spent to many years breathing the Ogden Air. Anyways, throw my stuff on the table and while he's ringing it up he says to me "nice shirt man, 311 huh, they are the best!"

"yep...I'm a pretty big fan."

"Me too! Did you go to the show?"

"Sure did...."

*awkward silence, ringing of items etc etc etc....*

"So are those oakleys on your head?" he asks....

"yep...."

"I've heard a lot of good things about them, do you love them?"

"Sure uh...they keep the sun out of my eyes I guess"

"coool......cool....."

*awkward silence, credit card payment blah blah*

"so uh....this is awkward, but you want to GO OUT SOMETIME??"

WTF people...I didn't know what to do here. I don't have anything against gay people, so please don't take this part of my day as offensive, I'm simply not gay, and not interested in being gay, so I didn't know what to say to this guy or how to say it. On one hand, I didn't want to offend him or make him feel stupid, but I wanted to let him know I wasnt interested....so whats appropriate??? a simple "no thanks"? Or how about "sorry man, I'm not gay" or "I prefer the ladies" I don't think I have ever been approached so boldly before by someone. Props to you dude...Sorry to disappoint, but I think it's pretty impressive that you had the guts to go for it, and for that I salute you. Anyways, in my short circuit of being caught off guard, I think I mumbled something like "Nah, dig the ladiesnotgay" or something...yeah, I know, in my attempt to be nice, I sounded like a jerk.

After that, went back home, grilled some festive lunch and got ready for work. I spent all night with Fire Chief Tucker shutting down fireworks. It was actually a lot of fun. After that slowed down, I took a 911 call for a physical fight in Davis County, I transferred them but stayed on the phone line to make sure they didn't get disconnected. This guy proceeds to tell Davis that his friend showed up at the house drunk and upset. And that he was trying to pick fights with everyone. "He tried to attack me!" he says..." But I've taken martial arts for 12 years now and I was able to block his punches" ha ha then he adds "And then he tried to attack my friend, so I'm afraid I had to beat him down"....really Napoleon? Are you good with a Bo-staff too? Did you play "Pin the shuriken on Jack Daniels"? Davis puts him on hold for a second and I can hear him telling his friend in the background "yeah man, my arms are sore from all the swinging..." maybe it's my imagination but with his tone of voice I half expected him to be flexing his bicep for his friend. Way to go buddy, use that Rex Qwon Do! I have to steal Dusty's joke because it made me laugh the rest of the night...

"Sir what are you wearing so the officer can find you when he gets there?"

"I'll be out front...black shirt....black pants....BLACK BELT!!"

A few hours later, I got a 911 call for a baby delivery. That was pretty cool I guess, not much really to say about it, other than mom and baby are doing fine. Little baby Christopher was born to his mother about 445 am if I remember right. And props to studly neighbor man who took off his shoe and used the shoelace to tie off the cord. I salute you too sir!

I got off Sunday morning but couldn't sleep. I got about 1 hour of sleep before I went in to church and stuff. I wont go out on a big spiritual limb here, but take my word for it. God answers prayers sometimes.

After that, I went down to Layton and spent the day with my family. We had a big spaghetti dinner on the balcony and played baseball in the backyard. I took my niece for a bike ride and even got a quick nap in for a few minutes while I was there. The highpoint of the night had to be when my niece sat me down and told me all about cooties. Apparantly all boys have them. And even when they get older they still have them. You can't cure them and they never go away. So of course I had to ask her why boys and girls get married if boys have cooties....and with the sweetest little face of "what are you stupid?" she says "Uncle Joey....boys will always have cooties, but when girls get older, most of them just get frustrated and settle for a sick boy."

How true that is...I didn't get to see the fireworks this year, I didn't get to light anything on fire, or really even have much of a barbeque and I didn't really spend it with the people I would have wanted to, but in retrospect...it was a pretty good weekend. And I don't really think I would trade the little adventures for anything. Maybe this year, I was right where I needed to be.

"You're my boy, blue!"

2009-06-29T19:17:00.000-07:00

*you walk along a sandy tropical beach. The sand is bleached from the sun and warms your feet with every step. The water is the richest blue you've ever seen, and at the right angle you can see all the way to colorful coral at the bottom. You're surrounded by palm trees and the only sounds are the waves crashing against the rocks and the occasional cocounut falling in the forest....it's in this moment that you see it...glistening there in the light like a diamond in a jewelry case...you walk over only to discover the edge of a piece of glass sticking up above the snow-like sand. You begin to brush away at the edges until you realize it's a glass bottle. Further inspection reveals a waterlogged piece of parchment. Carefully unrolling the papyrus like artifact, you begin to read the primitive handwriting...*

"My friends, If you're reading this letter I'm probably already dead. It's been a few weeks now since I've lived among the beasts. It is for my superior skills with masking tape and paint brushes that they spare my life..."

"They've got me locked away in some kind of cell. Its a square room....with a single entryway, usually guarded by at least one of them. And one window, letting in enough light to toil and labor under their whips."

"This is one portion of the enormous project that the beasts have consigned me."

"As you can see here, they are very particular about color schemes...I've repainted this wall at least 3-4 times to ensure that the blue is rich as their sea, and the white as bright as the piles of bleached bones that adorn the shores."

"This is their leader, the one they call "Lord Nebelung-The Vile Creature of the Fog" if the devil had bad luck it would be because of this abomination...Black as night and constantly under a ladder....he makes lucky leprechauns weep."

"I remain in good health at this time..the beasts provide me with clothing and tools for working, and food...even if only to......wait......

"I hear something coming......"

................

......

"It sounds like....like......"

GRRRROOOWWWLL!!!!!

"egads!!! No! NO!!!!"

WHARRRGARBLE!

*crunch crunch crunch*

Cat-Torpedo loaded in tube number one sir!

2009-06-26T21:16:00.000-07:00

So today I decided to get some painting done in the room. I spent a few hours getting the tape down and then starting into the trim. Cringer likes to go wherever I am, and he usually just camps out in the corner or something when I work, but for whatever reason he was all over the place and into everything today. He was getting into bags and cupboards and kept trying to jump up in the window after I painted it.

I have this big blue tarp that I had laid down for painting the doors, and when I started painting the trim I had to move it. I just took one end and rolled it up rug-style and pulled it out of the way. Well Cringer didn't see a rolled up tarp, what he saw was a newly formed and mysterious blue plastic tunnel...who knows whats at the end of that tunnel? A mouse perhaps? A bug? A delicious pile of catnip? He just sat there staring at it...not moving a muscle...not blinking...I went back to painting the room and pretty much ignored him. A few minutes later I went to reload the brush and as I swiveled around, I looked up just in time to see him launch into the tunnel cat-torpedo style!

"Hits away!"

That's what any respectable submarine captain would have said had he seen it. With the determination of a great hunter and the physical prowess of a furry sack of potatoes, Cringer had managed to squeeze about halfway through before getting stuck.

He will probably smother me with a pillow in my sleep for laughing as hard as I did, but I think he deserved it. I watched this giant blue burrito flop and roll around on the floor for a minute or two before I finally got him out. He just squirmed around and cried the entire time. I had to wonder if it was worth it....the mouse or whatever it was he thought might be up there. I suggest to you that it was not...

So this is a picture of the newly painted trim.

I didn't realize how yellow the walls look until I got the white up there...The "apple peel" or whatever it is, should be called "apple juice" or maybe just "urine".

The good news is that all the white should be done now. I've got several coats on all of the trim, the ceiling, the inside of the window and the inside of the closet...Now that everything requiring white paint has been done, I think everything is green light for taping and adding the blue. I'll post some more pictures as soon as I get a chance to get some of it done.

Joe

Is a mustache a must have?

2009-06-24T21:31:00.000-07:00

So today I took a look in the mirror and decided I had become ultra-scruffy. I looked like a caveman. Full scruffy beard, shaggy dark hair...but it got me thinking...I usually shave a goatee and I like the way that looks I guess. To be honest I think I look kind of weird clean shaven, but whatever....anyways, for some reason I was sitting there staring at myself in the mirror and looking at my scruffy beard... I started to think of something new and exciting I could do, like shaving the Robert Downey Jr. Iron Man goatee or something...but then I got to thinking about mustaches....

Mustaches are one of those things you can either pull off or you can't. There really isn't a lot of middle ground. I know a lot of guys who can pull it off....Joe Curfew, Corey Barton, Mark Smith, Ron, Adolf Hitler, Cowboys, Barbers, Baseball players, Construction workers...yknow, whatever...well I got to thinking about my dad...he has had a mustache my entire life, in fact, I can probably count on one hand the number of times I have seen him without it. So I got to thinking...."hmmm...maybe it's in the blood...maybe the family bone structure supports a mustache...maybe it's my destiny..." So I tried it...

I'm not a fan....

This is the face my dad used to make everytime I was in trouble, he did a lot better though because he could actually work the mustache...for me, who cant work the mustache...it looks more like indegestion or worse.

I thought it would be funny to take a "check out the sexy mustache ladies" picture.....instead....it turned out like a "check out the creeper standing outside the Chuck E Cheese" picture....needless to say I look stupid with a mustache...It only lasted about 10 minutes, just long enough to take the pictures. I'd rather look weird and be clean shaven for now I think....

I'm all over that like White on rice...

2009-06-22T18:30:00.000-07:00

So today I set out on the first day of a home improvement project. No turning back now...it's always an adrenaline rush to start something new like that, well for me it is. I have a bad habit of getting so excited about the finished project that I forget how much work it's going to be.

Anyways, I started out painting today. I only really ran into one major snag, it turns out the can of Ultra White Satin Paint I bought was actually just Ultra White Satin Gloss for mixing. Suck. I still had a half a can of Ultra White from another project, so I whipped that out and started painting. I was able to get the three doors done, and one coat on the ceiling before it ran out. A quick trip to Lowes and the problem would be solved, or so I thought....turns out they don't carry that brand of paint anymore...hmmm....So I went with some VALSPAR...woo woo...Ultra White Satin Interior Latex Paint. Nice.....

So I went home and threw a new coat over everything and did a second coat on the ceiling. Still have a ton of this new stuff left, it should be enough to do all the trims, the inside of the closet, and maybe even a third coat on the ceiling. After it had dried, the doors looked awesome. Here's some pictures...
Ha Ha Ha it just wouldn't be right if you didn't get to see how pathetic I look. And yes, that is paint all over my face...in my hair....under my eye blah blah blah....I got a little aggressive with the ceiling...go big or go home.

Here's one of the corners, you can at least see how much brighter the white is vs. the "apple sauce-peel-barfarama-white"

Three painted doors, window was wide open and you can really see the color difference here.

I got a little visit from the "Do-It-Yourself and look like a moron as you make a huge mess and take three times longer than a professional while still managing to do a half-ass-job fairy"

Good old Cringer...He loves to go wherever I am, he sat in the corner the whole time I was working. He didn't make a sound, just sat there and laughed at me. We listened to tunes all afternoon, and somehow, miraculously, he escaped without a single paint spot. Paint was flying around the room like Sherwin Williams dog was shaking off a semi-gloss bath. You win this time Cringer....

I'll post some more progress pictures in a few days. See ya!

Joe

The Great Paint Debate!!!

2009-06-19T18:46:00.000-07:00

So, I've been slacking big time lately, and there is a lot of work that needs to be done around the house. What better place to start than my bedroom I guess. I've been living out of the spare bedroom recently and I think now is as good a time as any to get everything done before I move all my stuff back in there. That being said, Here are a few "before" pictures so you can get a feel for what I'm working with... The picture to the left is 1/2 the closet, the closet door, the trim and lightswitch...I took this so you will be able to see what it looks like in a week or two when I post the "after" pictures.

This picture is the bedroom window on the far wall. Those are supposed to be blackout curtains, but they hang a little too far away from the wall to be completely effective.

Currently the room is one tone....eggshell white...actually I think the official name is "Apple Peel" or something like that, but you get the idea...its basically the same color as the dirty tail of a deer...The trim is the same color as the wall which is also the same color as the ceiling. Basic light fixture...various dings and scuffs and the carpet needs a good cleaning....so here's my plan...

THE PLAN!

1. I'm painting the walls this color...It's a rich blue, almost denim color, I think the real name is "Deep Space" sounds mysterious.

2. I'm going to paint the ceiling, trim, doors and fixtures "Ultra White" satin finish. So we will have a nice white/blue combo going.

3. I'm going to tint my windows, limo tint probably, this will help compensate for the light that the curtains let in.

4. I'm most likely going to install some crown molding along the ceiling.

5. Removing generic light fixture and installing combination light fixture/ceiling fan combo.

6. Either renting a Rug Doctor or having Stanley Steamer come and rejuvenate the floor.

7. Finally, I hope to be sanding and refinishing some bedroom dressers and things that have been in the family. I plan to make them all uniform cherry wood. This paired along with some framed movie posters or something should make the room pretty rad.

Well that's about it for now...I'm sure I'll be posting a movie review here in a day or two. And look for some progress pictures and after pictures of the bedroom in the coming weeks.

A presto,

Joe

It's been a while...

2009-06-19T18:32:00.000-07:00

So it's been a long time....I actually started doing this back in 2004 or 2005, and wrote a whole bunch of posts. It never really took off and no one really cared, so I stopped. After a while, things/life had some major changes and it all became old news, so I went and deleted it, along with my dusty Myspace profile. Well folks, I have been instructed by college professors that I need to write more....lots more....and the easiest solution is....BLOGGING!...So bear with me while I reconstruct this page over the next few weeks...there will be ups,downs, a whole lot of nonsense and a lot of movie reviews.

Joe